The Rush
You forget yourself when you feel the rush of blood coursing through your veins at a rate that is faster than usual in response to your increased heart rate. As you edge closer to the peak, you become fully aware of your existence and everything else falls away until the moment is all there is.
That rush that comes in various intensities depending on your state of mind, level of comfortability and the chemistry of your body. A brief moment that passes quickly as you begin the descent back into the weight of you, back into feeling the presence of gravity after moments of going against its power over you.
You seek that rush because it’s like nothing you have ever felt before. Its paradoxical nature is ever alluring as it clouds your mind and gives you clarity, it dulls your senses and makes you feel most alive.
You crave the momentary oblivion it offers you, the quietening of your ever present monologue. You crave the feeling of wholeness that connects your broken parts with sticky glue. The warmth that washes over you and makes your toes curl as your spine arches.
You have discovered that this rush can be arrived at by taking different paths. You have allowed yourself to explore and you’re smart enough to know that you haven’t yet discovered all of them. Some paths are shorter and will get you that rush quickly and others will take you through various short spots filled with delicious delights before you arrive at your destination.
You sometimes think about the time you has the rush at it’s highest intensity, when you thought your heart would stop. When you felt like you were ready to die happily. The excitement that accompanied the rush when you fully surrendered yourself to its all consuming force and felt your iron grip on control loosen, when you felt like you’d go mad for a second.
You have since experienced the rush several times. You have felt these little deaths and risen from them on various occasions. You hate to admit it but you know you have let many things slide just so you keep an open supply to this rush. You have stayed longer in places you shouldn’t have just to feel this rush again and again. To have it accessible to you. You have created excuses and rationalized your actions for the sake of this rush.
Humans have given it different noble names to mask the rawness of its power, to make it more palatable for conservative spaces. You have spent your earnings directly and indirectly in its pursuit. You have lost time, alone in your bed searching for that one clip that can get you the rush. You have invested in toys you can play with to get the rush. You have relived memories and created imaginations to help you get the rush.
You have long stopped feeling shame for seeking it. You have realized it is one of life’s greatest gifts and sometimes you feel sorry for those who have never experienced it and yet a little part of you sometimes admires them because they’ve never known it’s all consuming power.
You remember something you read from Sylvia Plath’s unabridged journals, “If they substituted the word Lust for Love in the popular songs, it would come nearer the truth.”
