Of Whys and why nots
I only write when I’m sad, but that is not entirely true because even when I’m happy, some of me, a little piece of me is always sad. This means I can write any time right? But guess what? I don’t. This is the part where I now start giving various reasons why I don’t, the part where I explain and rationalize my procrastination and laziness but I will not.
Today I’m writing and I hope you read it all even though I’m not writing for you. I’m writing for me and perhaps also for the person who thinks some of these thoughts and somehow I hope that person is you.
Image from https: https://www.instagram.com/p/CHDokm1njF7/?igshid=YTE5ODU0Yjk=.
The idea of self is intriguing; to view oneself outside of oneself, what do you see? Do you see you as others see you? Or do you see between the cells that make you up, the substance of you. The you that is, the you that makes you distinct? I’d like to assume you do. What is it like being human? Living and breathing? Feeling and thinking? It is a wonderful thing to be what we are, not always easy. Painful, hells! almost unbearable sometimes but still a wonderful thing to exist.
You ever get kisses on the nape of your neck? That extremely fragile part of your body, the part that can easily be twisted to end your existence? Boy oh boy does it feel good! To lay it all down and let someone caress you in your most vulnerable parts, trusting them to be gentle with you, surrendering your self to them, letting go and being given the power to do the same to them?
It sure feels great to have someone fill out your curves and smoothen out the edges, hold your hand or look at you with eyes that speak things the mouth would never say quite right. This is one part of existence that is pure, to be loved by another, especially one that you love back. We search for that but why do we fumble it when we find it? We are so complex in our existence that we let so many things get in the way of our happiness and then we continue to seek it out. How many times have we let slip such connections when we found it? Is the hope that we will find it again in another or maybe the thought that we don’t entirely need it that makes us turn our back and walk away?
Take away all environmental conditions and journey with me into your mind. Tell me, do you like the person you are when you sit alone with yourself? Are you comfortable in your skin? Is your mind a good place to be? How do you make the pain stop when it comes? The pain of existence, of being a human that feels and thinks? How do you reconcile the fact that being a feeling human means you have to feel the negatives and the positives, you have to recognize the absence of feeling and your desire to feel?
How many what ifs and what could have beens have made you prisoner? How many little prison cells do you have at the bank of your mind? Places where you’ve locked away some parts of you that you think are too ugly or not good enough for the world? Do you ever visit the little prisoners in your head? That little child that needed protection that one time and wasn’t? The one that needed attention and was denied? The one that needed kindness and gentleness but didn’t receive it? The one that needed reassurance and encouragement but was left alone to fend for themselves?
How do you feel when someone looks at you and sees your little prisoners? Do you completely shut them out or call their bluff? Do you hate it when your exterior cracks and lets slip all the delicate things that you keep inside? Do you like to be seen? Really seen and understood?
Why do we do what we do and why do we not do what we don’t do? How many theories exist to explain the human condition? Too many I think but not quite enough because none of them will ever be enough to explain away every little thing that you feel or give a name to it.
It’s good to sit with yourself and if you can’t do it alone, if it’s too hard that’s okay too but I hope you do because like Carl Jung once said:
“One who looks outside, dreams. One who looks inside, awakens.”
Only you can look into your own heart and see clearly, I hope you take time to think about the many whys and why nots.
