Of blues and loose ends

I stand on the balcony and watch the last of the sun disappear from my view. Hues and streaks of red orange pink linger on for a longer time before only a deep dark grey is left, matching my mood.

I feel content today, happy even and yet some sadness tints everything else I feel. I don’t know what this sadness is, this sense of sorrow that somehow refuses to leave. But it’s a comfortable sort of sadness, the type you embrace and hug like a friend. Not the type that makes you cry and hate.

So in my contentment, I hug my sadness with me and take a deep breathe, I wait for my lungs to fill up before I exhale. I am alive, am here now in this moment and I am happy. I love someone and they love me. I help give hope to people at work and my family I am not quite sure what they think about me, I can be quite a prick sometimes and although no one will say it to my face I know they discuss it among themselves, the thought makes me smile but of one thing I know for sure is that they love me too.

So why do I feel sad even in moments like this? When am filled with gratitudes and contentment? Perhaps it’s something in the stars or perhaps its everything bad that has happened to me, all my other unmet needs, my heart that has been broken many times, my unfilled dreams, my forgotten hopes, perhaps it’s the state of affairs in the world, the sick children, the rotten political systems and social dynamics. Perhaps it’s a memory of that character I loved in a movie who died terribly. The thought of death brings images of people I have loved and lost to the cold hands of death in my head and suddenly this sadness is not a comfortable sadness anymore.

I feel the tears build up in my eyes but they don’t fall, instead they diffuse into my blood and I feel them hot and salty as they travel to the center of my chest, I clutch at it and wince in pain. I want to scream but I don’t want to draw attention to myself. So I keep the pain in and as I do, I remember that time my body was broken into without my permission and the time I had to fight off someone I once loved from doing that to me again and I start to shiver, it’s hot but I shiver still.

The tears still refuse to come but am bleeding sorrow.

Perhaps this pain and sadness will always be part of me, lurking in my shadows. I find it hard to sit so I fall to floor and hug my legs as I lay there. Feeling wave after wave of pain, emotional pain, psychological pain all my failures and all the ugly things I have witnessed in my life.

I have no one stuck point in my trauma but I know all the little loose ends in my life chuck up to this moment. To me crying ( without tears this time) on my bathroom floor.

This has happened to me before, many times. If someone found me in this state and asked me whats wrong, I’m pretty sure I would say nothing. Because how else can someone explain depression?

So I get up, wash my face, drink some water and type a joke on my WhatsApp status. I probably laugh more at my own joke but I am happy now, I feel content too.